What I hope my daughter understands someday!

There are a lot of posts out there about moms and daughters and what they want out of thier relationships or what they hope they understand. But I want to tell her more. Of course I want her to know that I love her, that she is precious and much much more. As a mom of two boys and one girl, I already know a girl is going to be much harder to let go. But here's what I hope she knows when she spreads her wings and flies away.

1. Your beautiful. Yes you have perfect hair, long legs  a gorgeous, perfect face and a lot more to be envious of. That is clear.  But that beauty only means something if you use it well. Being mean, unkind and bitter will make you ugly, on the inside and out.  Giving to others, loving people, laughing at your mistakes and perserverance through a challenge can make you even more beautiful.  When you find someone you love, make sure he sees your beauty beyond those transcending hazel eyes. Your worth it. 

2. You can be anything but remember you can't be everything. As a girl, I took this to mean that I didn't "just have to be a mom".  I thought up all of the amazing "masculine" careers I could think of. And then I went into teaching, and almost felt like I had let everyone down. When I say you can be anything I mean you can be anything. If you decide to be a career woman good for you. And I will be just as proud if you live your life as a stay at home mom. Raising you is one of the best parts of my life. I will be proud of you, as long as you follow your heart.

3. You can always come home. Your  Irish and German, so pride goes a long way in our hearts. Don't despair. I will love you unconditionally, even if you make mistakes, even if you tell me you can get by without me, I will still take you back. You will never be to big to sit on your mommy's lap and cry. 

4. The world can be cruel. Combat it with grace. As you grow my love, there will be people who will knock you down. Sometimes on purpose. There will people who call you ugly(even though we know that's impossible), boys that break your heart, and girls that are mean. Love them through it. Most people that are cruel to others are usually fighting thier own battle and just need someone to love them. 

5. It's best to be a lady. Our culture makes every part of being a woman one of two things: deragorty and sexual or undesirable.  If you are sexualized you are the apple of a mans eye. If you are submissive, passive, quiet, underachieving, kind, introverted and good at cleaning and cooking you are "too" sheltered. Our culture wants women that act like men at work, but ladies in the home. The fact of the matter is, you can have your job and be successful but be a lady. We are genetically programmed to be the peacekeepers, the managers of our home and the caretakers. Embrace your womanhood.  Respect people, respect yourself and your body and be the type of woman you'll be proud to tell your kids about. 

Most of all my sweet girl, know that you have taught me so much about myself. Being able to watch you grow is the greatest gift of all. And nobody loves you more than your mom, no matter what those teenage boys try to tell you!

And so there were three...

 I sit here every night rhythmically swaying back and forth, back and forth humming tunes from The Sound of Music. My tone deafness means nothing.  My two year old is nuzzled up against me, "puppy" in his arms and his precious feet poking out from his baby blanket, which his sweet body has outgrown.  Sweet unrelenting, heartbreaking bliss. The epitome of hypocrisy.  And every night I want to freeze time.

You see, it wasn't too long ago I was a "wild child". Like most teenagers I could not wait to break free from the reigns of parents. They held on too tight, asked too many questions and always ruined a good time. Typical woes of an American teenager. When I could get away with it I partied, did things I'll never tell my kids about and did the opposite of what my parents asked. I am not going to carry on here about the martyrdom of children from divorced families. We have all seen and heard enough of that in the media and everywhere we go. It's not an excuse, but in my teenage head, my parents got divorced. They didn't  deserve my respect. Well, I showed them. 

I was 17 I moved out. I turned down three college acceptance letters at four year schools. School was always easy to me and I got by without trying very hard( we will save that hard lesson for another time). None of my friends were going to four year schools and I wanted to stay with them. I enrolled at the community college and carried on.

That summer I met my husband. The summer of 2003! If only it sounded as catchy as the summer of '69, we could have a song too. Well now, nearly ten years later here we are, a nine year old, a seven year old, and this sweet angel of a two year old that I never want to stop rocking.  Now I am sure because you are able to read this, you are able to do simple math calculations and you realize our oldest came along before we had the chance to say "I do". And the second followed before we had the chance to say "I'm ready".

Now I would be lying if I told you that I entered motherhood with grace and readiness. In fact, I was 19 and anything but ready. When I was five months pregnant, Jordan and I got married.  As nature would have it, Noah came along shortly after.  We were young, we were stupid and we had no clue what do do with this life we were responsible for.  When the news of my Rylee-Grace came along, I spent six hours in the bathroom sobbing with a 15 month old baby standing over me. I would once again be lying if I told you my mother's intuition had improved with her birth.  Now don't get me wrong, I was always a good mom.  My kids were clean, fed, happy kids that got held, snuggled, rocked to sleep ect. I remember comments about what a great mom I was for being so young.  But my heart wasn't ready.  

Four years later, Noah is 6 and Rylee is four. Jordan and I had been married nearly seven years. We had journied through the challenging years of marriage, entering adulthood, raising children and completing my education all at once.  (Picture a game of Jenga; no picture playing Jenga with a two year old). Disaster. We bought a house and lost it. We bought a truck and lost it. We lost a lot trying to measure up.  The news of Declan reignited a fear that I thought was stagnant. I wondered if I could do this again. It wasn't until we knew what love was and had been in the pits of it, that we really realized what it meant to be a parent. To my suprise The second Declan was placed in my arms, Jordan and I knew he was exactly what our hearts needed. They were all were exactly what we needed!

I sit here now, two "big" kids in thier rooms, holding this baby as he snuggles in my arms and I ponder how long I can keep him little, while I know the truth...not long. His precious breathe on my neck and the up and down rhythm of his back as he breathes reminds me of what an incredible gift I have.  The gift of motherhood. An ex boyfriend of mine said some words that have stuck with me, shortly after her found out I was pregnant with my second. He said "you'll fit in good in the south, it seems like your good at being barefoot and pregnant". At the time, I was humiliated. Now I couldn't be more proud!

I wonder now, as my kids get older how I can tell them "don't make the mistakes I made " and "listen to your parents, we have been there" while convincing them that they have made me whole, and loving them and being thier mom has fulfilled my purpose here on earth. How can I convince Rylee-Grace to wait, when she is the most incredible gift I have ever recieved?  How can I make Noah understand how hard the road can be if you don't plan carefully, when despite all of our mishaps, we got him and he is my world? How do I convince Declan of the incredible difference being emotionally prepared can be?  Though the road has been rough, I am exactly where I need to be and I count my beautiful blessings everyday.  Stretch marks, empty bank accounts, a loud home but an amazingly full heart.

And a mom. And if mom is all I ever am, I will be the luckiest person alive.